1. |
And I Grew into Ribbons
03:13
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AND I GREW INTO RIBBONS
numb
no longer afraid
numb
disinhibited
dead on my feet
i’m always walking towards the exit
no good deed unpunished
no encouragement
i get tired of the things i claim to love
i get tired of the thing that i’ve become
every good thing in my life
comes at someone else’s expense
numb
no longer afraid
numb
disinhibited
wake up and say something
do something, make something
pretend to feel something
wait for the day to end
the problem with giving a shit
is no one thanks you
and they always want more
i wish i had done
something else
with my life
i get tired of trying to convince myself
not to pull the trigger
not to turn out the light
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2. |
Copper in the Slots
01:54
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COPPER IN THE SLOTS
that stain on the sidewalk there?
that used to be someone i knew
twenty three and dreaming
twenty three and glowing
he can’t hear us
where’d the money come from?
where’d the clothes come from?
you’re not welcome here ever again
take your venom with you
no parade
no facade
no bouquets
no black cars
no redeeming values
no remorse
no song
not the first, not the last
just a ripple in the tide
laying blame, attaching guilt
won’t remove it from our minds
if pressed, i might say
that we all deserve to feel ashamed
look at your hands, they’re the same as mine
so soiled you can’t see color
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3. |
In Defense of Resentment
03:51
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IN DEFENSE OF RESENTMENT
fear of money
fear of love
fear of being undone
fear of conscience
fear of law
fear of living too long
each time you reach out
i find it strange
seems like a waste of goodwill
you’ve shared your dreams
recounted “wins”
i can’t relate to those things
i wouldn’t last a night
in your head
with your thoughts
of right and wrong
good and bad
you have nothing of worth to offer me
nothing but guilt and luxury
underneath your disguise
the dream is suffering
vanishing
i’m at home with my faults
i don’t need your friendship
your judgement
your passive aggressive concern
i’ve got fear
i’ve got hate
i’ve got the things you can’t chase out
hiding in plain sight
and you’ve settled down now
to die in the same cage you were born and raised in
bury the sentiment
bury the good intent
i don’t deserve your affection
piss on your selflessness
fuck your forgiveness
i don’t believe in redemption
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4. |
Featherweight Hate
02:39
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FEATHERWEIGHT HATE
blamed your defeat
on your so called disease
i was certain you’d die
staring drunkenly into my eyes
and your worth was obscured
no one valued your word
your last ride in my car
bought you a dime behind bars
leaving a wife and child
to fend for themselves
carrying secrets you knew
they’d be too scared to tell
blamed your arrest
on your poor taste in friends
but it wasn’t their fault
you let desperation break your heart
and i know it was wrong
to never visit or call
but as our mother would say
i had my own debts to pay
on the eve of your release i began trembling
as thoughts raced through my mind
i’d heard talk of how you’d changed inside
so i showered and then loaded my shotgun
and sat facing the door
to welcome my brother back home
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5. |
Our Lesions
04:39
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OUR LESIONS
hung beneath the lurid glare of ruined dreams
raw conceit dressed in flesh and human heat
another broken clock well cleaned
a future of self prescribed irrelevance
the color of debt and subjugation
hard time
a bottomless well of wishes unfulfilled
a semi-erect, neglected pawn
living in guilt, regret and negligence
dying face down on a soiled mattress
same four grey walls
spinning
do we seem miserable?
how should we feel?
when their fat hands
keep reaching out to take what’s ours
they want us to like it
our black hole
settle in and get sucked down
celebrate our decline
with closed eyes
suspicion and fear decide our moral code
while faith in ourselves flickers out
assuming the worst is always preferable
to giving the benefit of doubt
the devil we know, the devil in our hearts
the lover we hide from all our friends
the secret we keep until our dying hour
the terminal hope that we refuse to let go of...
that there is more
beyond death
there is love
but the pain just gets worse as you age
you’d better get used to its claim
on your dwindling remainder of days
you’ll put a face to the name
of the phantom that drove you insane
she waits patiently to take you away
but every once in a while
the list of mistakes you’ve compiled
seems irrelevant and slips from your mind
and in those moments the weight
holding you down fades away
and with the pressure removed you can
almost see who you thought you would be
far removed from the body and mind
you reluctantly still occupy
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6. |
Victims of Nostalgia
02:22
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VICTIMS OF NOSTALGIA
you act like you’re already dead
looping a dream of a past you’d kill to relive
worthless sentiment, inward conceit
years of your life cannibalized
never forget that it’s not what you’ve done
or what you’ve done lately, but what you are working on now
crimes of denial
crimes of reverie
crimes of homage
crimes of vanity
i can’t live like that
i can’t live like that
i won’t fucking live like that
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7. |
Black Din
02:49
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BLACK DIN
it all started by questioning our worth
a dream shattered by doubt
i ended one life to start another
but i couldn’t accept the ending
we’re all the same kind of murderers here
killing our better selves, nurturing fear
getting off on the pain
a heart full of need
a lust for death
anesthetized but still aware
that i might swallow my tongue
and if i get to numb to care
then i will eat my gun
we’re all the same kind of murderers here
cheating on suicide
until we miss her and want her again
she may not forgive, but she gives in
a black din
home again
i dug my grave around ten years back
i often go there to relax
lying there the noise fades away
one of these days i’ll just stay
and sleep
but not today
not until i see the ending
there’s always at least one piece of shit
who wants nothing more than to see you fail
death is a release from all their resentment
but life is a wire around their throat
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8. |
Feigning Familiarity
03:16
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FEIGNING FAMILIARITY
i’ve pushed a chair below the fixture
i’ve tied a knot around the rod
still i’ve yet to find the courage
to take that step forward
coiled around each moment
growing in our organs
nobody gets around it
friendships never feel substantial
lovers see me at my worst
no joy in social interaction
no pleasure left in sexual conquest
just wasted life force
torn flesh
an overrated high
once the body exceeds its shelf life
there’s no temptation or desire
seems like every connection that i make
inevitably turns morose or banal
but chasing comfort through the gutters led me here
one fix away from a perfect place
into the fold of heaven’s captives
locked in a cell behind its gates
stripping away the moral bondage
laying the mind and heart to rest
into the burn
gathering light
severing self from flesh and blood
into the void
into the end
falling
spinning
suddenly i am moving through the moments of my crimes
seeing myself through my victim’s eyes
now i am the carrion
my own release
the blackest recess
my deepest need
i’m not suffering
i am blossoming
into an absence
an open vacancy
i’m not afraid
i am finally at peace
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9. |
Collared, Kept
02:32
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COLLARED, KEPT
cash one last paycheck
make one last purchase
i know you’re sorry
you’re always sorry
first it’s your job
then it’s your dreams
next it’s your teeth
you’re losing
fucked all your friends
exhausted your means
not that you care what happens
now you’ve burned all connections
learned no real lesson
it’s mommy’s money
she’s always obliged to help you
fuck up your life more
smoke and relax, kid
nothing bad happens to you
close the blinds and lock the door
turn the lights off and flick the wheel
push the chore boy back and forth
heat the stem until it hits
there’s always one more hit
go ahead
try it again
why can’t you sleep
why can’t you cum
why won’t your mind stop racing
check the front door
someone’s outside
why won’t your heart stop racing
how’d your belly get so big
why are you covered in your own shit
hammering nails through your fucking skull
i hope you like what’s coming
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10. |
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IF THIS IS WHAT PASSES FOR LIVING
i’ve been here a while now
serving my time
watching the clock run down
waiting
holding my anger down
i fought for a long while
i tried to make good
for all of the things i’d done
but i know your trust in me
can never be rebuilt
i can dress up like a family man
but you know that suit never quite fit
and i can’t afford to have you staring at my back
i could move across the world and you would
still be here
waiting
counting every day
so i’m burning the whole thing down
this home...
it’s a prison cell
so i’m burning the whole thing down
we are a virus
we’re a product of bad luck
we scream our way into existence
nine months after someone else gets fucked
death as an option is a comforting idea
continuing in misery is something we do mostly out of fear
we are malignant, there’s no intelligent design
we’re a cancer feeding violently
upon the flesh of that which gives us life
death as an ending is a comfort to keep in mind
we forget that waking up each day is just a habit
we can choose to die
i’ve been waiting my entire life
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